No More Mr. Nice Guy

Nice Guy Syndrome: a myth, a belief that if a guy himself is ‘good’, they will get their needs met, be loved, and live a problem free life. The Result: a nice guy is nothing but just a nice guy.

Stop seeking approval and start getting what you want in life.

Be more shameless towards doing what you need to do for your tasks.

Embrace and own your fantasies and kinks.

Own your weakness and accept them. No need to hide them. Improve on them.

You are 22. Make your own standards and rules. Right is what you think right is, wrong is what you think wrong is.

Learn to express yourself, fearlessly of being judged.


Chapter 1

The Nice Guy Syndrome

The attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).

Nice guys- are givers

Nice guys- fix and caretake

Nice guys- seek approval of others, and want to be liked

Nice guys- avoid conflict

Nice guys- hide their perceived flaws and mistakes

Nice guys- repress their feelings

Nice guys- find it difficult to make thier needs a priority

Nice guys- make their partners, the centre of the world

Nice guys- are dishonest

Nice guys- are secretive

Nice guys- are compartmentalized

Nice guys- are manipulative (they feel awkward to do a task for themselves openly, so they manipulate and try to work from behind)

Nice guys- are controlling (in an attempt to make their world smooth)

Nice guys- give to get (unconsciously they want to ‘get’)

Nice guys- are passive-aggressive

Nice guys- are addictive (because they keep themselves so bottled up, it has to come up somewhere)

Nice guys- find it difficult to set boundaries

Nice guys- are frequently isolated

Nice guys- terrible listener (because they are always thinking how to defend themselves)

Nice guys- have issues with sex


What to do?

Be an Integrated Man.

He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.

He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.

He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.

He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.

He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.

He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.

He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.

He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.

Accept themselves just as they are.

Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools.

Stop seeking the approval of others.

Experience loving and intimate relationships.

Make their needs a priority.

Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs.

Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached.

Face their fears.

Develop integrity and honesty.

Set boundaries.

Build meaningful relationships with men.

Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women.

Experience and express their feelings.

Deal with problems directly.

Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship.

Find peace with the changing complexities of life.


Chapter 2

The Making Of A Nice Guy

Why do people try to change who they really are?

Because it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy/man to be just who he is. He believes it is dangerous and/or bad thing to be who he is.

To children, abandonment means death. They are ego-centred, so believe that the world revolves around them. And everything happening around them is because of them.

Following experiences can lead this:

He is hungry and no one feeds him.

He cries and no one holds him.

He is lonely and no one pays attention to him.

A parent gets angry at him.

A parent neglects him.

A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him.

A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs.

A parent shames him.

A parent hits him.

A parent doesn’t want him.

A parent leaves him and doesn’t come back in a timely manner.

Ultimately they think that there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their lives to abandon them. This creates among them Toxic Shame. It makes the boy/man feel that he is bad, deep within.

As result of abandonment he goes for Survival Mechanisms, he does:

1) Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned.

2) Try to prevent similar events from happening again.

3) Try to hide their internalized toxic shame (or perceived badness) from themselves and others.

How to raise child (CHILD DEVELOPMENT 101):

1) All children are born totally helpless.

2) A child’s greatest fear is abandonment.

3) All children are ego-centred.

4) All children have numerous abandonment experiences — their needs are not met in a timely, judicious manner.

5) When a child has an abandonment experience, he always believes that he is the cause.

6) This naive misinterpretation creates toxic shame — a belief that he is “bad”.

7) Children develop survival mechanisms to try to cope with their abandonment experiences, try to prevent the experiences from happening again, and try to hide their “badness” from themselves and others.

8) These childhood survival mechanisms reflect the child’s inherent powerlessness and naive view of himself and the world.

What happened in 20th and 21st century?

1) Boys were separated from their fathers and other significant male role models.

2) Boys were left to be raised by women.

3) Radical feminism implied that men were bad and/or unnecessary.