Chapter 3

Learn to Please The Only Person Who Really Matters

By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.

Nice Guys- find themselves attached to things and people because they think without them, they are no one.

Here’s what they do:

Having one’s hair just right.

Being smart.

Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice.

Looking unselfish.

Being different from other men.

Staying sober.

Being in good shape.

Being a great dancer.

Being a good lover.

Never getting angry.

Making other people happy.

Being a good worker.

Having a clean car.

Dressing well.

Being nice.

Respecting women.

Never offending anyone.

Looking like a good father.

Nice Guys Use Attachments to get approval of himself. No one really appreicated him for his attachments, but he literally depends on them for attention and validation. He believes that these things give him identity and value to his life. And prevents people in actually knowing him.

Nice Guy feels he is incomplete without a womam. They try to cover their mistakes, instead of owning them and say sorry and move on.

Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .

If they forget something.

If they are late.

If they break something.

If they don’t understand something.

If they do something wrong.

If they are depressed.

If they are in pain.

If they generally mess up.

Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?

For self approval Nice-Guys do the following:

Exercise, work out, go for a walk.

Eat healthy food.

Get enough sleep.

Relax, play, goof off.

Get a massage.

Go out with buddies.

Buy a new pair of shoes.

Get shoes polished.

Get dental work done.

Get a physical.

Listen to music

Spending Time Alone Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves


Chapter 4

Make Your Need A PRIORITY

Nice Guy’s defence mechanisms:

  • Trying to appear needless and wantless: prevents him from getting their needs met. They believe that having needs and wants drives people away from him and dislike him.
  • Making it difficult for others to give to them: they will do anything to make sure they don’t get what they want, because they think if they get it, they would be considered arrogant and selfish. So they remain unclear, indirect, push people away, sabotaging the situation.
  • Using “covert contracts.” : They ask people indirectly to help him.
  • Caretaking — focusing attention on other people’s needs.
Caretaking Caring
1) Gives to others what the giver needs to give. 1) Gives to others what the receiver needs.
2) Comes from a place of within emptiness within the giver. 2) Comes from a place of abundance the giver.
3) Always has unconscious strings attached. 3) Has no strings attached.

The problem is: Nice Guys give others in hope to get the favor returned.

Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on

learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.

Benefits for Nice Guys and the people around them when they begin to put themselves first:

They increase the likelihood of getting what they need and want.

They can give judiciously — giving what people really need.

They can give without resentment and expectation.

They become less needy.

They become more attractive.

They need to believe that:

Having needs is part of being human.

Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority.

They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways.

Other people really do want to help them meet their needs.

This world is a place of abundance.

Make time for yourselves, improve yourselves. Make yourself happy, make yourselves successful. The people you want to make happy will be already happy by it.